Loner at Heart

I am probably never as comfortable with anyone else as much as I am with myself. But then again, what do I know, I spend 89% of my time speaking to myself, all in the head of course. But I seriously think I have taken this loneliness business to newer heights.

These days I squirm even if I notice a stranger looking at me - No, not staring, or gazing, or leering (yeah right!) - just plain looking, wayward glancing, meaningless momentary eye contact - I literally cringe on being noticed. And of course I do throw a major fit when someone actually is staring at me, conspicuous enough to qualify me as mildly lunatic.

However, college has prompted me to feel otherwise. Living through each day with hundreds of confused teenagers or twenty-somethings lured me into relating to them, to sense a sort of solidarity with them. After almost 2 years of trudging in this sludge, I gathered maybe something much larger than all of us actually holds us together. That larger something may actually be time. We all sit together, eat together, sleep together – and years later most of us will be living lives very different from each other. But somewhere in the mysterious clockwork of our lives, we were ordained to come together spend a symbiotic few years together and part our way to let our journey take its swing. I respect this, and I know this happened for a reason, and I met these people for a reason and that I have a lot to imbibe form this experience.

That is exactly why I haven’t let my loner genes kick in yet. I have adapted myself to live with people, to talk, to laugh and even to gossip once in a while. But I know that is not who I am. Many may consider this unfortunate, and so may I, but I know, almost with certainty that this life that I am attempting to live right now - is not me. I am not going to live a gregarious life, gorging in society - welcoming one and all.

I was meant to be a Lab-rat – hidden in some corner of a silent lab, nibbling on my stuff, humming on my own. I am already pretty much of a control freak right now, incapable of delegation – well right now that may be justifiable by the hoards incapacitated individuals mocking my efforts at every step, but later that may not be still an issue – yet I will still be a neurotic do-it-all. I will fixate over how I need to have my time alone. And by the time I am old and wrinkly and toothless I will still crib about the excessively friendly neighbour, pick on the innocent garbage guy and obsess over the imaginary dust that will have seemingly settled on my beloved pipe organ.