Acceptance

There are times when feel buoyant and complete, but then you turn around and say "Wait a Minute" because you realise you have no reason to feel that way. Does that happen to you? Yes it happens to me.

And again there are times when you feel like you have been hit in your head by a projectile-ing beehive, and so everybody seems to be conspiring against you. Yes, that happens to me as well.

Tonight? I stand somewhere between these two psychotic extremities.

I am back at Delhi.

This is the last time I will ever say that, considering I will have nothing to do with Delhi once I transfer now. When I left home, I cried. Not because I'd miss the people there. Well, yeah maybe because I'll miss them, but I don't let that thought settle. It is difficult to leave behind people who care for you and look out for you, and settle for a life so far away. But of course this is what I chose and I have no second thoughts about it. I simply cannot bring myself up to feel sad, because it is far more difficult to cope with it, to mope over it day in and out. I'd rather just convince I am indifferent and be done with the situation.

Am I being unfair - to myself, to the people I care for, to the people who love me? I don't know. I don't want to know. Because that will mean I will have one more thing to hate myself about. I'd rather become an emotional wasteland rather than confront the real feelings that should have taken over my life by now. Because that would have opened a deep, dark, spiralling tunnel with no way out.

This was me coping with the sadness. This is all the courage I have. This is all I can dare to say now.