The Ailing Acerb

5 months of 'The American Way' hasn't been easy so far.

I have learned that human beings can be insightful and dreary, all at the same time.
I see people around me, all the time, all day. And I am sure, most of them are pretty nice people. What stops me from being nice to them? From smiling and them and not being awkward when thy try to be nice to me? I justify by saying, I am tired enough without trying to make new friends.
Old friends have wisped out into oblivion somehow. I don't know if they care, it's been ages since I last had a chance to find out.

Either I am paranoid, and a complete self-deprecating freak, or I am plain scared.

Change has never worked for me. I take ages to adjust and set my cushions right. Making new friends, and then losing them is probably something I am not bold enough to face. Something ticks off inside me, and makes me run away. I wonder if it's always going to be this way for me.
Pretty damn sketchy.

Organized freak that I am, I am prepared for everything that comes my way. I have the weeks planned out. Not in a creepy, obsessive way. But in my mind? everything is chalked out. I do it subconsciously, I never make a conscious effort to plan my hours. So when something jumps out at me from the bushes, this I don't have planned out. I panic, and lose grace. Maybe I should hide in a bunker somewhere, and do us all a favor.
I wonder if I am messing with myself. Prodding and poking myself into glorified un-socialism each day at a time.

I wish I could find better words. To write and to speak.





____________________________________________________________________