In the Process...

It's funny to see the change in yourself. And what is funnier is how you had no clue until someone pointed it out.
At first, I dismissed the notion off in a huff. But now that I think about it, I seriously seem to have mellowed down a lot. How did that happen? I have no friggin clue.
I notice that I do not anymore let brainless-gutless-rear end clutching fools get to me. I quite surprisingly remain calm even when I see things going horribly wrong right before my eyes. As long as it does not hurt me physically I stay away from the matter and take comfort in thinking that I can probably reverse the damage done once the matter eventually comes to my disposal after all the thumping and jolting done to it by the previous pawns in action.

Even if I can't put things right, I quite simply accept the fact that IT WASN'T MY FAULT, instead of spiralling into a frenzy of neurotism and hyperventilation.
I am as cool as a hibernating slug.

Also? I am a lot less self involved. And those times when I gushed myself with self pity, well they are mostly a shady memory of my past now. Not that I do not tend to go into my dark phases every little while, but apparently they are much less noticeable now. I have found it in myself to keep those phases at bay, or atleast keep those emotions in control and prevent them from turning me into a devilish thug. I guess here I need to mention that I suffered from chronic depression over the past 2 years. I had these times where I would phase out completely and the entire world seemed as if it was out to get me.

People seemed hostile, weather seemed deathly, the routine chores wore me out in minutes. But I wasn't sorry, because I had things that needed me to grieve. I had to channel those feelings out in someway. Now that I think about those times, I don't see them as dark ominous phases, I see them as time I needed to do, a season long sabbatical where I needed to mourn, a very important time of my life which probably marked the my transition from a brooding ghost to a thoughtful teenager.

It is then that I grew up. It is then that I began the final frontier of my life. It is there that I left my past behind.

I don't know if I will have similar episodes in the future. I may. Because as of now, the feelings are still in there, they need some more spitting out. But I really hope that it doesn't happen at the cost of my turning into a tyrannical monster. Or atleast that is what I am told happens to me at those times. Either that, or in a few of those times I would lose my ability to talk for months.

But again I respect myself for getting out of the said phases without any help whatsoever. There were times when stepping out of depression seemed impossible. Unimaginable. More so because apparently people hated me for what I had become. But no one cared to find out what was really going on. Maybe I scared them away. Either way, I didn't get any support. Not that I asked for any, but who does anyway? under these situations.

Some stats say that upto 20% teenagers suffer from depression before they reach adulthood. Now I'd like to clarify my issues were not the textbook-defined-teenage-related stuff in any way, but I guess I'd qualify for those stats anyhow. I don't know what happens to these kids. I don't know if they are able to grow out of it. I don't know if the help that is offered to them actually changes anything.

But I know I did. By myself.

How I did it is an entire different story that I don't know much of. All I know is people think I am a complete different person now.

But the fact remains that they barely know me. And all these years of staying away from people has seriously affected my communication skills. So it will probably be a long long time before someone actually gets to know me.

But again maybe it'll be a lot less messier now that I am not just a lifeless sack of flesh anymore.
Also because now? I am trying to live for much more than just for the sake of living.