Somewhere by the middle of the day today, I was satisfied. Now, that is something that doesn’t happen too often, not to me. Well of course the feeling wasn’t anything meaningful, but now for the least I know I am capable of feeling things that have been eluding me since like the day I was born.
Well, basically, yeah – I don’t find anything worth writing about, so that moment – that time of the day I just mentioned may just be the highest point of my day.
Why? I certainly am not unhappy but I am not happy either. I know something needs to change around here, and I am very sure I will not know the change I need until it actually comes to me, rides up my face, drills a hole into my brain and talks to me in native Bengali.
But I see something missing, and I keep wondering, I actually really go through the possibilities in my head to see which one could work out. I pretty much end up looking like a worthless whore at the end of each those speculations. And this way I get to screw up my blog with incessant shit about how self-loathing I am. Just amazing.
Can’t help anyhow. My brain has simply shut down, and ironically, it isn’t temporary. Every moment I am alone and lame enough to obsess over the things the make me want to puke my guts out, I end up wondering why I exist at all – but not in a corny-drowned-in-self-pity-drying-out-tear-ducts kind of a way. It just is a practical, curious little question.
What is the point of all this trouble?
At the end of the day, I really do not look forward to waking up to a new scorching Delhi-morning. The noxious stench of charred grass knocks me out at 8 am each day, when I regain consciousness and my olfactory abilities, and really does make me want to die. The Sun creeps in uninvited in streaks of bright blinding intrusive yellow from underneath the curtains cladding the south-facing glass wall of my room, and it makes me wish I’d know what to do with the day. The next day. A day not significant to me.
Significant maybe in some other way, because I sat through a pretty decent Biochem exam today. But what really amazes me is that it doesn’t measure up to mean anything at all. And that is not the problem. The problem is that I know there is a problem, but not what it is.
2 comments:
wow seriously .. i have so similar thoughts . Even i wanted to write something like this but couldnt - a 16 year old tech g33k cant express his feelings like an amazing writer (which is you ) and btw i just saved ur post so that i can keep reading it !
Loved your post ! And Linkin park said something right about LIFE - In the end it doesnt even matter !
Cheers and good luck for ur exams :))
p.s- do chk my blog :)
Rahul > Thanks, that was nice to hear, though I seriously doubt that what I write makes even an ounce of sense to anyone but me.
I did check your blog, Tech-geek you are for sure : )
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