Monday Morning? Nearly Nothing.

So, February is nearly over.
I know I know, not quite. But that is what I would like to believe.

Why? Well, because I am flat broke. And also because that would mean that I have lesser time to spend in this shit-hole of a place.
Everyday I feel more and more useless here. I’d think there would be some limit to which I could disgust myself screwing my nose at the lazy bum I’m turning into. But I have decided not to blame myself. It simply isn’t my fault. There is absolutely nothing here that interests me. I’m craving for smart teachers, almost more than liquid chocolate.
So, yeah I realized as long as I am a student in India, it’s pretty much going to be this way. I would love to stay in the country and complete all my academic pursuits here. But, hell that is not happening.
And oh, plus I got transfer applications from Columbia and John Hopkins Saturday night. They want me to apply as a transfer student. Happy, right? Well no, the financial aid looks bleak from where I stand and there is no way I’m going to be able to slog over the SATs right now. So, I get to be sad and get that wrenchy feel in my tummy every time I think about it.
Yet sometimes I wonder if I am avoiding a brilliant opportunity just because I’m so bloody opposed to change. I wonder if would be able to take the leap and start afresh. Start again at a place that would not frustrate me and dump me into the hell-hole every five minutes a day.
Would be interesting. Maybe I am just not brave enough. I try to reason that, I do find answers, yet there is something missing in those answers too. It’s as if I am not being sincere to myself.
Sounds boring, and yeah I lose track as well. And I end up feeling hungry. What that really means is maybe I am not ready to face all of those questions just as yet. I need a place to hide all of those insecurities.
I can do nothing but vent. This, right here, is my outlet.